Wednsday night michael's family called at 2 am because they were stranded 75 miles from us with a blown tire and needed Mike to pick them up.So he got out of bed and left to rescue them.They decided to come in a van that's less than reliable.They didn't get to my house till 4:00 am. Mike failed to tell me his mother was brining his 3 lovely children until wedsnday night and I just kept thinking why do they want to be here if Damien makes them so uncomfortable? I know I know horrible of me to feel this way about them but I just couldn't help it from the last time I felt completely uncomfortable after his mother made it so clear little Mikie not only didn't like us together,but was angry and throwing a hissy fit due to my son being born for 14 years old he acts like he's 5,Jasmine was completely welcome but I didn't feel Damien was. And then to top it off with all the questions of why he had hints of red in his hair,or why was he so small since the other children were all 10 lbs? Which just frustrated the hell out of me because his "daughter" Monica who is 9 and looks absolutely nothing like Mike,she's half black with curly kinky hair,where as his other 2 sons,Jasmine and Damien all look identical to him same straight hair, nose, feet, everything lol the only thing my little ones got from me is my eyes. And I know it shouldn't matter and it doesn't about monica not being his but to me they are questioning the wrong child and it just needs to stop. but hey I thought maybe I'm just reading more into it and turning into a real bitch! No I was right, the first thing his mother says when she held the baby Thursday morning was " oh now he looks more like Mike, oh yes his features are coming in now I was beginning to wonder haha," laughter after she says it,it was funny to her I guess, I wanted so badly to point out the little girl with dark curly kinky hair and say "well how do you explain tha when the other kids look completely identical,but that was just childish ya know. So I took my baby from her and walked into my bedroom.I was frustrated and needed to take a shower so I gave the baby to Mike and Jasmine was running around,when I get out of the bathroom Mikie is holding Damien and I should have been hapy but it was like why is the brat even trying now? Yea my hormones were raging.I kept telling myself to shut the hell up and quite being so bitchy but it was hard. I went into the kitchen after Mike's mom left with his uncle to go get the van they abandoned the night before and tried to let it all go, Margaret Michaels cousins daughter who was over last weekend was dropped off by her dad whom I was now angry at because it turns out the last time they were here and Mike and him were drinking and decided to leave to another friends house without so much as saying anything to me, had been telling Mike that night that he should watch me and just be careful because I might cheat on him or something and Mike again didn't tell me this until wednsday! and he didn't just tell me he actually questioned me about it!He was like well it just sounds suspicious why would he say that? and i'm like "hello, he and his wife just split like 2 weeks ago and he's looking for a party partner! it's kinda like why should anyone else be happy if he's not you know"  it pissed me off! and now He was staying for Thanksgiving? why am I being forced to be around people who do not like me? and before all of this I had never done anything to make them feel this way about me, to be telling him all these things just isn't right. If anything I think Mike needs to check his cousin because if it's anyone being deceitful or anything it's xavier not me!I told Mike he needed to question his motives not mine! Anyways,dinner wasn't done till about 7:00 pm we ate and then I retired to the room for the rest of the night. Friday was much better since I told myself I'd just ignore stupidity and not let them get to me. Margaret was going to be spending the weekend with us as well while daddy went home which is 60 miles from us wich is fine cause I really would have been irratated if I had to see his face one more day!

 All together there was 5 adults and 8 kids in my 2 bedroom apartment can you feel how crampt it was in here?!  lol...

That night the girls sat with me in my room talking about everything from school,food,family,babies and much more.The slept in my room that night and the day ended well but Mike had to work Saturday so that would mean It'd be me and his family...alone!....

When I got up his mom had made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. The kids were playing video games, and the ones that were'nt were in Rene's room. The day went fairly fast compared to how I thought it would go annd his mom and I talked a bit about the kids and the weather and other non interesting stuff. Little Mikie talked to me a bit too but then needede to get out I suppose so he and his brother left for a walk. And then his mom has to say something gain to let me know those kids are uncomfortable around me cause she says well he needed to go for a walk he's so frustrated you know, he needs to be out now, not so close to some people you know how it is. and she gets up to throw some clothes in the laundry. whatever I thought I could careless. so I fed Damien and Jasmine, vacuumed and did light cleaning. Mike didn't get home till about 6:45 pm that night then his mom went to the store and she bought both babies diapers and Damien formula which I do appreciate! She tries to be nice I suppose but then at times makes it obvious that she's so much more close to the other kids and Mikes ex. whatever you know I'm not gonna kiss ass to make someone like me or except my children it just seems so forced to me sometimes but then again I could just be one crazy hormone having bitch lol. They left Sunday at around 10 am and I told Mike to tell Xavier to pick margaret up before his family left! Mike told him like 3 times and he was there early alright but he didn't leave until like 11 am making small talk and I'm telling you it makes me uncomfortable because I don't know wether he is trying to prove a point to Michael or if it's something else, but I'm tired of being questioned about something or someone I have no intention on doing! he just kept asking things like what I had planned for the rest of the day and little crap like that and finally I was like well I got things to do and Mike don't get home till around 5 so I'll have him call you or something, he got the hint I suppose and they left. I called mike to let him know that his cousin stayed longer than he was supposed to and that he kept asking such weird questions and all he said was oh its ok. excuse me it's ok? then why the hell am I'm getting the 3rd degree about my motives with him when he's the one making stupid ass small talk staying longer when he knows it makes Mike uncomfortable, so once again I was mad at Mike because he questions me but the not the people he should be. I was never like this but my last relationship taught me alot about tolerence the more you have the more they walk all over you. I was really close to my exs family but when I left the situation they all turned on me and I'm just not about to have that happen again which is why I say I'm not gonna kiss ass you either like me or don't either way I don't give a damn just keep your opinions to yourself. I have no more tolerance for bs anymore, I used to be so laid back and quiet and just kept to myself that did no good people just seen someone they could step on, well no more I am so fed up with fake ass people! Why fake it if you dont like someone and then talk behind their back which is exactly what his cousin is doing. And as for his mom and kids well they can either except us or not but I already went out of my way to try and be caring and nice and they have the nerve to act the way they do, you can only try with someone for so long but if they still don't like you move on don't worry about it. I've got plenty in my day to worry about other than people talking amack however I don't want to hear it either.

Besides those few incidents Thanksgiving was good and the weekend was ok as well nothing too horrible, but still. SO now it's all ove and guess what!....They might come back for christmas!! Then we get to do it all over again...yipee......

I think I'm like a week away from "Menstuating" and since I had the baby I am just as bitchy as ever the week before I start hopefully the bitchyness wears down soon

Damien: Now 13 Weeks old, My how time does fly by! He has amazed me these first few months. He holds his head up really well, and has been since around 8 weeks or so, he never really had much of a floppy head lol. And now when I prop him up on the couch he will actually lean up to try and sit up unfortunately sometimes he leans a little too far and ends up almost toppling over so I can never leave him for even a second by himself lol. And he is just all smiles, he is such a happy baby. It's so funny because when I was pregnant with him I couldn't help but wonder how I would manage with 2 babies and what my life would be like and just what kind of baby he would be, I figured my luck he was gonna be as fussy as can be! I kept thinking how dramatically things were gonna change for me, And it has but far from what I imagined. Sure the house work is about as hectic as I thought if not more and the laundry has piled as high as I've ever seen before or even thought possible lol, But he has been sooooo pleasant and brought so much more happiness to this house that I can't even imagine what it would be like if he wasn't in our lives! He is just adorable and so loving, you can just see it in his eyes, he has possibly the cutest smile I've ever seen if I do say so myself! Jasmine just adores him and always rushes to his side to give him his bottle if he cries and gives him her blanket to comfort him and Rene always wants to hold him and thinks it's so funny that everytime he gets in Damien's sight Damien just laughs for no apparent reason lol. I guess he already thinks Rene is silly! And Daddy just loves that Damien already shows interest in computer gaming by not taking his eyes off the computer for a second when Daddy plays MOHAA! He loves the t.v as well which is weird because he actually sits in his swing and seems to be really interested in what he's watching lol.

 He is also the most cuddliest baby ever! You can hold him and he doesn't wiggle and fuss he just lies there staring at your face, smiling and cooing. He loves to fall asleep on my chest and loves to be close to me. i'm just so taken by him and can't help but give him so much hugs and kisses, I think I like having him in my arms and cuddling with him than he actually enjoys it lol! I love every new thing he does and look forward to everyday with him!He just warms my heart!And Miss Jasmine Now 17 months, is just as silly as can be! She is great with baby brother and looooves to run around with big brother Rene! She is so helpful and helps sweep or mop, of course when I'm cleaning she'll go behind me and pull it all back out and put it where she wants it lol but I suppose I should be thankful she helps! She absolutely loves books and loves to be read to, when we go to the library she has so much fun picking out the ones she wants! She even puts her books away when she's done looking at them! She loves music and knows the channels on the t.v that they are on as well as cartoons lol. She dances and moves her lips to the songs,it is just too cute! She is learning so much everyday and does some of the cutest things I've ever seen or heard! I love the way she says thank you, so polite already lol. Even when she's mad she's cute. She amazed me the other day because she is already trying to dress herself and actually got her shorts on the right legs and pulled them up! She's growing so fast.Everyday with her is so fun. Now that she's getting older, it's fun to see her point of view on things and her interests. She has been a joy as well, of course she has her moments as they all do and she can have a pretty big attitude! Let's just say she knows what she wants and how to get it lol. I look forward to every new thing she learns!She brings out the inner child in me and I love having fun with her, whether singing with her, playing a game or reading, it means so much to me and I enjoy every minute of it! The other day she made her first paper turkey I printed out the instructions and Rene, Jasmine and I sat in the kitchen making Thanksgiving turkeys, I helped Jasmine trace her feet and hands and glue the peices together,it was the cutest little turkey I've ever seen!! Both of their turkey's are hanging up on my kitchen wall

Rene's  Turkey                                                     Jasmine's Turkey                        

Arent they adorable? lol They had fun making them. And I had fun with them as well!

Rene's doing much better in school and is happy he get's his PS2 back lol. He is such a good helper and has the biggest heart ever! In school they had to do a report on what they are thankful for and he said" I am thankful for my brother my sister and my dad and having the nicest mom EVER!" which I thought I'm kinda hard on him sometimes lol. He says he enjoys the crafts I do with them and that his favorite thing to do is spend time with me. So I must be doing a good job somewhere along the line lol.

Mike's mom comes in sometime tonight so I've got quite a bit of cleaning to do I'm not gonna go crazy on the cleaning or anything just maybe do a little extra  or maybe not lol...Anyhoo I better get started cause I don't wanna be cleaning all day lol.....

                                            Have a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!!!     **Devi0us...

That's basically the just of it. Ok so she didn't come out and say it but it was so clear by the abrupt end of the phone call...

I had called my " mother" to see how she was doing,because honestly as much as I hate her actions she's still my mother,but even that is feeling is fading. Being that i've always been there for her I just wanted to be sure she was alright, and to my surprise she was, she didn't even sound upset, in fact there was no emotion in her voice what so ever. She went into detail anout what happened telling it so matter of factly that I began to question whether it even bothered her what he had done. My answer would be answered very shortly within the conversation. I asked her what she knew about what he'd said to my brother about the incident and she said yes and didn't know why he said she was cut up in peices but that it sounded worse than what it was, so apparently she was about to make excuses for him. She went on to say that she called her boyfriend to aplologize to him for making him hate her so much that he felt the need to abuse her, so I said why do you need to apologize for his stupidity?? Don't you get he's not going to change,the only reason why he's being polite and apologizing as well is because she literally holds his fate in her hands right now.If she testifies against him he's getting locked up for quite awhile seeing how this is the second report on him. How can she think that he is really going to change? She proceded to say that she needed to talk with him one more time in person " to end it" to me she's looking for closure that you will never get with someone like that. And also hoping and needing his assurance that it will all be ok and he truly does love her. BS. She said that it would be ok with her if he said he didn't want to see her anymore but that it would have to be HIS decision. I'm thinking how can this be? I was getting more and more upset by the minute and it was just too much hen she stated that when my brother came home from school he told her " oh you're home. You don't know how happy that makes me mom." and she stated well I'm still going to talk to Eddie about what happened and of course my brother was hurt and angry and asked her how she could be so stupid. Now in that whole conversation all she kept saying was about her and how she felt and how no one had the right to feel about  Eddie the way they do but that she understood why we had those feelings. And all I could think of was my brother stating how happy it made him that she was there, I mean that really says something and I told her so. I was like well doesn't it affect you to hear your kids say they wish you were there more and how did you feel when he said how happy it made him. all she said was she didn't know and went on to talk about how she needed to be better for Eddie and he won't be mad at her. And she said I know you guys love me I know Eddie isn't good for me I already know all of this. So basically it came down to the fact that she does not care. And the reason this makes me so angry is because she used us to her advantage! she made her sure her children needed her and made sure to take everything away from them, including other family members, stating they weren't good for us and were trying to munipulate us including my own father! She wanted her kids to take care of her just to abandon them and not even give it a second thought about what she was doing. There are only so many mistakes you can make! I feel after the first time and you do it again and again, it isn't a mistake anymore, it's deliberate. I told her that and she was like "well I know it's my fault I know I need to change but I don't know what to say because I can't, I mean I'm not going to see Eddie I just need to tell him so." again back to Eddie he is all she is concerned so I told her if she would be satisfied once he killed her and leaving her kids with that guilt and hurt. She didn't answer for most of the conversation she stayed quiet only stating what she felt about things. She seemed to be angry with us instead of who she should have been mad at.She ended the conversation by saying she needed to talk to Eddie and would be back. So I made sure to tell her that I loved her and to be careful but that this was a final decision she would be making. Maybe not about Eddie but about her relationship with her children, and we hung up...My brother had called me at about 8:30 pm last night and she still wasn't back she said she wasn't gonna stay the night with him but of course I knew she would,However she really disappointed my brother....

This is just the life she wants to lead and I am so done with the comforting. She has abandoned me in more ways than one. She made me her therapist, I was her shoulder to cry on, I was never a daughter to her,  to her I was just a convienience when she needed someone to cry to about her problems as she is now doing with my brothers and sister. It isn't fair.I stuck by her through all of her miserable relationships just to have her abandon me when I need her. It breaks my heart everytime I talk to my brothers and sister because I know how lonely that house seems. there is no love in that house no mom to come home to. The get themselves to school and back, do homework and prepare their own dinners. I look at my kids and think how can someone do that?!!How can you be so selfish? I cried all morning hurting for those kids, and remembering all the things she did to me and put me through, I tried to stop but all the memories just came rushing back faster than I could think.

I talked to my sister last night,and towards the end of the conversation she was telling me about the other day in school when she was real tired and she showed up late and the teacher asked her why she was late and she said her alarm didn't go off and he asked her something about her parents getting her up and that he was sorry she missed breakfast and she said she just thought to herself even if she had got up early her breakfast it would be a lonely bowl of cereal cause there's no one there to make her breakfast. She said it as a joke but I can hear the hurt. They can't hide it from me because I raised them for so long, while my mom worked and then went on dates and was hardly ever home before we had to go to bed. I just felt so bad. I wish I could take them and make everything ok for them. I love them sooo much and just want them to feel safe and secure, something I know they don't feel right now.

Some part of me feels as though I have abandoned them as well, moving out at 15 and now living so far from them. I was the one that took care of them and sheilded them from her insanity, and from all the hurt, and when I left it put them in charge of not only themselves but her as well. I don't worry for my mother as much as I used to because I know this is what she has chosen, but when it comes to my siblings I can't help it because they are like my own, I cared for them for so long that's it's like they are mine. We are so close and it hurts me to see the damage she is doing to them. She should have never reproduced! I wish I could sheild them from her ways, If this is how she wants to be thats A ok but how can you continue to drag your kids right down along with you. Why can't she wait till they're 18?

With Thanksgiving and Christmas rolling around I find myself feeling more depressed, not for me but for them I don't want them to spend the holidays alone. Good thing though both of my brothers are spending Thanksgiving with their girlfriends families and my sister is going to spend it with her dad and they are going to San Bernadino to spend time with relatives, so I'm happy they won't be alone! As for us Michael's parents are coming Wednsday night and they'll be here till Sunday morning or so,So it's gonna be a full week!            Devious

Thought Of The Moment: It Isn't just Your life. Think about Your Actions....

Saturday we had company over,It was Mike's cousin and his daughter. We ate out that night I had chinese food yum!And Mike his cousin and the kids had carls jr.s. The night was going great I was showing Mike's cousins daughter some things for her to do on the internet since she really enjoys being online.She's the same age as Rene just a few months older so like 9 and a 1/2.

I decided to call my brother to see how things were and see how he's doing we had a nice conversation we always joke around and stuff and talk about movies and games we both like to play, my other brother the 18 year old was sleping cause he had to go to work at 11:00 pm.It's funny cause even though I'm older than them (24) they are both taller than me I'll of 5"0 feet lol and they're like 5"8 or so.

Anyhoo's after about 45 minutes I hear my brother open the front door and start arguing with someone and I'm like " who's that?" he didn't answer me so I go into my bedroom so I can hear what's going on cause I heaar arguing but I couldn't tell what was being said because there was music on so it was loud in the living room. I close my bedroom door and over the phone I hear my brother say " Did you hit my mom?!" "I'm like " ok what's going on talk to me!" and I knew it was my mom's "boyfriend" and I'm thinking is he starting sh** with my brother?!! Oh if I could've jumped through that phone I would've killed him because what I hear next scares the SH*T Out of me! " Just GO EVER THERE AND SEE!" "see what?! what did you do?" my brother yells. " she's cut up in fu**ing peices!!! I can't go to jail" her boyfriend says I hear static and now I'm freaking out my brother was yelling and I hear that stupid bastard cussing and my brothers phone cuts out. my heart was beating so fast, I was terrified for my brother.What has she gotten herself into this time I kept thinking. Thoughts were coming so fast I felt as though I couldnt breath and I'm like 600 miles from them.I kept thinking what if she's dead OMG I panicked and did'nt know what to do.So I called my stepdad and told him what I'd heard and that I just wanted my brother to be ok and that he should go check on him or call the police. after about 15 minutes my brother calls back and said the police were there and my mom was alright but he had busted her nose and she passed out.it was a HUGE relief but now I could feel the anger rush over me! After the talk with her I had on halloween and asked her to please stop seeing him and that one of these days he was gonna hurt her badly if not kill her she still decided it was in her best interest to stay with him?!! How can she put her children through this? I was terrified from what I had heard I can't even imagine being there. Yes I do hate the huy for what he does to her but I am hurt and very angry with her because she insists that there is absolutely nothing she can do about it and insists on going back. I mean how many times must you get burned before you realize you don't like it?! Anyways, why did he beat her this time? well according to my brother, he thought she was cheating on him because she was changing and she wouldn't open the door for him so he busted the bedroom door down and back handed her and kept hitting her after she had already passed out with the first hit. Now my mother is all of 80 lbs and 4"11 compared to his 165 lbs 5"7 self. Not that that even matters but the point is she was knocked out with the first hit. When he couldn't get her up he panicked and went to my brother's (they live across the street from eachother) and said what he'd said. Now my brother's hated him from day one andd my mother has allowed her boyfriend to talk crap to her kids and still stick up for him,I cant tell you how angry it makes me. She says my brothers have no right to hate him but if someone was beating on your mom how can you like him? I wonder if she's changed her mind now. although every bit of my heart says she'll still find a way to defend him. I hope I'm wrong. The police gave her a 5 day restraining order and had locked him up for the night. Apparently the manager had called the cops because she was afraid to I guess and he threatened too kill her if she did. I sympathize with her in some ways because I have been there in that situation. But sooner or later you have got to empower yourself and get out! before you end up dead. He could have killed her.Even if it isn't intentional accidents do happen.It turns out That he was drunk and so was she. He does drugs as well which is why he was paranoid about her cheating,like it makes a difference anways. He cheats on her and tells her so. They have a sick relationship.

I'm afraid for her but I know this is something she needs to do on her own. I haven't spoken to her since halloween because she feels guilty I know it. She said she would stop seeing him and she didn't. Oh another thing that tripped me out was the dream I had the night before the incident happent. I guess I had moved back to california and my mom, my brothers, my sister, Mike and my kids and I were all at the beach I lived near and we were sitting on some rocks like almost in the water when waves came crashing up and knocking people into the water.We couldn't find one of my brothers and we went frantically looking for him when I realized my mother was gone as well. Somehow I ended up back at my mothers house and was talking with my one of my brothers and my sister thern she disappeared and a few minutes later my mom comes in. She was beat up and bleeding really bad her nose was exposing bone and she was crying and I was trying to talk to her and ask what happened but she couldn't hear or see me and she walked into her room and slammed the door.I woke up startled wondering what it meant cause I really felt scared for her. and then when I was lying down the night of the incident I remembered my dream and I felt completely freaked out. I have no idea what it means but it just seems so weird to drem that the night before and have that happen the very next day.

 My mother and I were very close when I was younger and she used to always no something was wrong with me before it even would happen. I really don't believe in things like premonitions but who knows. I called my brother yesterday to see how she was and he said she was alright just laying down and I thought to myself so this is what it takes for her to b home with her children,is she done with him yet? I just don't get it. Why does she want this life for herself? Why can't she make it better? that's why I don't want my children to see me that way, because it is so scary to watch your mom deteriorate right in front of you all because she's given up.And it's kind of like she's given up on you too. It hurts to see her like this and hear her so miserable I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to change it. I worry about being like her sometimes and I know that what she goes through and feels is one of the lonliest feelings ever. I don't want to give up like her. I don't want to be anything like her. Her life scares my because it's so empty,and not because we don't care and don't want to be around her but because she is just lingering waiting to die and she's only 45 years old,but she's been mentally such a long time. And refuses to do anything about it. I want only the best for her and wish her true happiness. Maybe having a man in her life just isn't meant to be. You can be happy and lead a fulfilling life single as well as you can with someone. I truly believe God has a plan for her but she just keeps letting everything pass her by,she could be a tremendously strong woman if she just didn't let things run her. My mom has a good heart but her mind isn't in it. I feel so bad for her. She's been abised since childhood and doesn't and has never known what true love is or feels like. Everyman she has ever been with has taken advantage of her kind heart. She's like a lost tortured soul. I have tried to tell her how to empower herself and be strong but she has just given up completely and lets whatever be done to her even though she disagrees with it. There is nothing I can do,I only hope she will somehow wake up and start wanting to live! I do love her but I hate her sometimes too. Anyway's I just needed to let it out. To vent. No one really understands what it's like and the fear that lives in me everyday for her and for myself. The thing I hate most is how badly she has munipilated her children. Why did she even have us if she wasn't willing to let go of the past and go forward and teach us how to be strong. Not forget because you never forget traumas especially in childhood but she could overcome them and get help not only for herself but for the children she said she'd do anything for. And here is the product of what growing up watching my mother wallow in her sorrows and drink the pain away. A depressed, sometimes insecure, scared, and nervous soul. The next time you think what you do with your children in your life doesn't effect them think again.......*Devious "

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you