That's basically the just of it. Ok so she didn't come out and say it but it was so clear by the abrupt end of the phone call...

I had called my " mother" to see how she was doing,because honestly as much as I hate her actions she's still my mother,but even that is feeling is fading. Being that i've always been there for her I just wanted to be sure she was alright, and to my surprise she was, she didn't even sound upset, in fact there was no emotion in her voice what so ever. She went into detail anout what happened telling it so matter of factly that I began to question whether it even bothered her what he had done. My answer would be answered very shortly within the conversation. I asked her what she knew about what he'd said to my brother about the incident and she said yes and didn't know why he said she was cut up in peices but that it sounded worse than what it was, so apparently she was about to make excuses for him. She went on to say that she called her boyfriend to aplologize to him for making him hate her so much that he felt the need to abuse her, so I said why do you need to apologize for his stupidity?? Don't you get he's not going to change,the only reason why he's being polite and apologizing as well is because she literally holds his fate in her hands right now.If she testifies against him he's getting locked up for quite awhile seeing how this is the second report on him. How can she think that he is really going to change? She proceded to say that she needed to talk with him one more time in person " to end it" to me she's looking for closure that you will never get with someone like that. And also hoping and needing his assurance that it will all be ok and he truly does love her. BS. She said that it would be ok with her if he said he didn't want to see her anymore but that it would have to be HIS decision. I'm thinking how can this be? I was getting more and more upset by the minute and it was just too much hen she stated that when my brother came home from school he told her " oh you're home. You don't know how happy that makes me mom." and she stated well I'm still going to talk to Eddie about what happened and of course my brother was hurt and angry and asked her how she could be so stupid. Now in that whole conversation all she kept saying was about her and how she felt and how no one had the right to feel about  Eddie the way they do but that she understood why we had those feelings. And all I could think of was my brother stating how happy it made him that she was there, I mean that really says something and I told her so. I was like well doesn't it affect you to hear your kids say they wish you were there more and how did you feel when he said how happy it made him. all she said was she didn't know and went on to talk about how she needed to be better for Eddie and he won't be mad at her. And she said I know you guys love me I know Eddie isn't good for me I already know all of this. So basically it came down to the fact that she does not care. And the reason this makes me so angry is because she used us to her advantage! she made her sure her children needed her and made sure to take everything away from them, including other family members, stating they weren't good for us and were trying to munipulate us including my own father! She wanted her kids to take care of her just to abandon them and not even give it a second thought about what she was doing. There are only so many mistakes you can make! I feel after the first time and you do it again and again, it isn't a mistake anymore, it's deliberate. I told her that and she was like "well I know it's my fault I know I need to change but I don't know what to say because I can't, I mean I'm not going to see Eddie I just need to tell him so." again back to Eddie he is all she is concerned so I told her if she would be satisfied once he killed her and leaving her kids with that guilt and hurt. She didn't answer for most of the conversation she stayed quiet only stating what she felt about things. She seemed to be angry with us instead of who she should have been mad at.She ended the conversation by saying she needed to talk to Eddie and would be back. So I made sure to tell her that I loved her and to be careful but that this was a final decision she would be making. Maybe not about Eddie but about her relationship with her children, and we hung up...My brother had called me at about 8:30 pm last night and she still wasn't back she said she wasn't gonna stay the night with him but of course I knew she would,However she really disappointed my brother....

This is just the life she wants to lead and I am so done with the comforting. She has abandoned me in more ways than one. She made me her therapist, I was her shoulder to cry on, I was never a daughter to her,  to her I was just a convienience when she needed someone to cry to about her problems as she is now doing with my brothers and sister. It isn't fair.I stuck by her through all of her miserable relationships just to have her abandon me when I need her. It breaks my heart everytime I talk to my brothers and sister because I know how lonely that house seems. there is no love in that house no mom to come home to. The get themselves to school and back, do homework and prepare their own dinners. I look at my kids and think how can someone do that?!!How can you be so selfish? I cried all morning hurting for those kids, and remembering all the things she did to me and put me through, I tried to stop but all the memories just came rushing back faster than I could think.

I talked to my sister last night,and towards the end of the conversation she was telling me about the other day in school when she was real tired and she showed up late and the teacher asked her why she was late and she said her alarm didn't go off and he asked her something about her parents getting her up and that he was sorry she missed breakfast and she said she just thought to herself even if she had got up early her breakfast it would be a lonely bowl of cereal cause there's no one there to make her breakfast. She said it as a joke but I can hear the hurt. They can't hide it from me because I raised them for so long, while my mom worked and then went on dates and was hardly ever home before we had to go to bed. I just felt so bad. I wish I could take them and make everything ok for them. I love them sooo much and just want them to feel safe and secure, something I know they don't feel right now.

Some part of me feels as though I have abandoned them as well, moving out at 15 and now living so far from them. I was the one that took care of them and sheilded them from her insanity, and from all the hurt, and when I left it put them in charge of not only themselves but her as well. I don't worry for my mother as much as I used to because I know this is what she has chosen, but when it comes to my siblings I can't help it because they are like my own, I cared for them for so long that's it's like they are mine. We are so close and it hurts me to see the damage she is doing to them. She should have never reproduced! I wish I could sheild them from her ways, If this is how she wants to be thats A ok but how can you continue to drag your kids right down along with you. Why can't she wait till they're 18?

With Thanksgiving and Christmas rolling around I find myself feeling more depressed, not for me but for them I don't want them to spend the holidays alone. Good thing though both of my brothers are spending Thanksgiving with their girlfriends families and my sister is going to spend it with her dad and they are going to San Bernadino to spend time with relatives, so I'm happy they won't be alone! As for us Michael's parents are coming Wednsday night and they'll be here till Sunday morning or so,So it's gonna be a full week!            Devious

Hi hon,
I feel so much for you. I know that you want to fix things for your siblings and even for your mother but it really isn't your place. The best and only thing you can really do is be there for your siblings as much as you can. Let them rant and rave and make sure that they know that the way things are isn't their fault and that none of you can fix your mom. I hope that everything works out for the younger ones.
Take care,
Aidan

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Monday the 6th of November 2006 @ 12:59 AM (660 days, 16h, 44min ago)