Thought Of The Moment: It Isn't just Your life. Think about Your Actions....

Saturday we had company over,It was Mike's cousin and his daughter. We ate out that night I had chinese food yum!And Mike his cousin and the kids had carls jr.s. The night was going great I was showing Mike's cousins daughter some things for her to do on the internet since she really enjoys being online.She's the same age as Rene just a few months older so like 9 and a 1/2.

I decided to call my brother to see how things were and see how he's doing we had a nice conversation we always joke around and stuff and talk about movies and games we both like to play, my other brother the 18 year old was sleping cause he had to go to work at 11:00 pm.It's funny cause even though I'm older than them (24) they are both taller than me I'll of 5"0 feet lol and they're like 5"8 or so.

Anyhoo's after about 45 minutes I hear my brother open the front door and start arguing with someone and I'm like " who's that?" he didn't answer me so I go into my bedroom so I can hear what's going on cause I heaar arguing but I couldn't tell what was being said because there was music on so it was loud in the living room. I close my bedroom door and over the phone I hear my brother say " Did you hit my mom?!" "I'm like " ok what's going on talk to me!" and I knew it was my mom's "boyfriend" and I'm thinking is he starting sh** with my brother?!! Oh if I could've jumped through that phone I would've killed him because what I hear next scares the SH*T Out of me! " Just GO EVER THERE AND SEE!" "see what?! what did you do?" my brother yells. " she's cut up in fu**ing peices!!! I can't go to jail" her boyfriend says I hear static and now I'm freaking out my brother was yelling and I hear that stupid bastard cussing and my brothers phone cuts out. my heart was beating so fast, I was terrified for my brother.What has she gotten herself into this time I kept thinking. Thoughts were coming so fast I felt as though I couldnt breath and I'm like 600 miles from them.I kept thinking what if she's dead OMG I panicked and did'nt know what to do.So I called my stepdad and told him what I'd heard and that I just wanted my brother to be ok and that he should go check on him or call the police. after about 15 minutes my brother calls back and said the police were there and my mom was alright but he had busted her nose and she passed out.it was a HUGE relief but now I could feel the anger rush over me! After the talk with her I had on halloween and asked her to please stop seeing him and that one of these days he was gonna hurt her badly if not kill her she still decided it was in her best interest to stay with him?!! How can she put her children through this? I was terrified from what I had heard I can't even imagine being there. Yes I do hate the huy for what he does to her but I am hurt and very angry with her because she insists that there is absolutely nothing she can do about it and insists on going back. I mean how many times must you get burned before you realize you don't like it?! Anyways, why did he beat her this time? well according to my brother, he thought she was cheating on him because she was changing and she wouldn't open the door for him so he busted the bedroom door down and back handed her and kept hitting her after she had already passed out with the first hit. Now my mother is all of 80 lbs and 4"11 compared to his 165 lbs 5"7 self. Not that that even matters but the point is she was knocked out with the first hit. When he couldn't get her up he panicked and went to my brother's (they live across the street from eachother) and said what he'd said. Now my brother's hated him from day one andd my mother has allowed her boyfriend to talk crap to her kids and still stick up for him,I cant tell you how angry it makes me. She says my brothers have no right to hate him but if someone was beating on your mom how can you like him? I wonder if she's changed her mind now. although every bit of my heart says she'll still find a way to defend him. I hope I'm wrong. The police gave her a 5 day restraining order and had locked him up for the night. Apparently the manager had called the cops because she was afraid to I guess and he threatened too kill her if she did. I sympathize with her in some ways because I have been there in that situation. But sooner or later you have got to empower yourself and get out! before you end up dead. He could have killed her.Even if it isn't intentional accidents do happen.It turns out That he was drunk and so was she. He does drugs as well which is why he was paranoid about her cheating,like it makes a difference anways. He cheats on her and tells her so. They have a sick relationship.

I'm afraid for her but I know this is something she needs to do on her own. I haven't spoken to her since halloween because she feels guilty I know it. She said she would stop seeing him and she didn't. Oh another thing that tripped me out was the dream I had the night before the incident happent. I guess I had moved back to california and my mom, my brothers, my sister, Mike and my kids and I were all at the beach I lived near and we were sitting on some rocks like almost in the water when waves came crashing up and knocking people into the water.We couldn't find one of my brothers and we went frantically looking for him when I realized my mother was gone as well. Somehow I ended up back at my mothers house and was talking with my one of my brothers and my sister thern she disappeared and a few minutes later my mom comes in. She was beat up and bleeding really bad her nose was exposing bone and she was crying and I was trying to talk to her and ask what happened but she couldn't hear or see me and she walked into her room and slammed the door.I woke up startled wondering what it meant cause I really felt scared for her. and then when I was lying down the night of the incident I remembered my dream and I felt completely freaked out. I have no idea what it means but it just seems so weird to drem that the night before and have that happen the very next day.

 My mother and I were very close when I was younger and she used to always no something was wrong with me before it even would happen. I really don't believe in things like premonitions but who knows. I called my brother yesterday to see how she was and he said she was alright just laying down and I thought to myself so this is what it takes for her to b home with her children,is she done with him yet? I just don't get it. Why does she want this life for herself? Why can't she make it better? that's why I don't want my children to see me that way, because it is so scary to watch your mom deteriorate right in front of you all because she's given up.And it's kind of like she's given up on you too. It hurts to see her like this and hear her so miserable I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to change it. I worry about being like her sometimes and I know that what she goes through and feels is one of the lonliest feelings ever. I don't want to give up like her. I don't want to be anything like her. Her life scares my because it's so empty,and not because we don't care and don't want to be around her but because she is just lingering waiting to die and she's only 45 years old,but she's been mentally such a long time. And refuses to do anything about it. I want only the best for her and wish her true happiness. Maybe having a man in her life just isn't meant to be. You can be happy and lead a fulfilling life single as well as you can with someone. I truly believe God has a plan for her but she just keeps letting everything pass her by,she could be a tremendously strong woman if she just didn't let things run her. My mom has a good heart but her mind isn't in it. I feel so bad for her. She's been abised since childhood and doesn't and has never known what true love is or feels like. Everyman she has ever been with has taken advantage of her kind heart. She's like a lost tortured soul. I have tried to tell her how to empower herself and be strong but she has just given up completely and lets whatever be done to her even though she disagrees with it. There is nothing I can do,I only hope she will somehow wake up and start wanting to live! I do love her but I hate her sometimes too. Anyway's I just needed to let it out. To vent. No one really understands what it's like and the fear that lives in me everyday for her and for myself. The thing I hate most is how badly she has munipilated her children. Why did she even have us if she wasn't willing to let go of the past and go forward and teach us how to be strong. Not forget because you never forget traumas especially in childhood but she could overcome them and get help not only for herself but for the children she said she'd do anything for. And here is the product of what growing up watching my mother wallow in her sorrows and drink the pain away. A depressed, sometimes insecure, scared, and nervous soul. The next time you think what you do with your children in your life doesn't effect them think again.......*Devious "

---

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Dropping in to wish my cousin from the south a

Wow, you explained that conflict of love and hate so well, I know how that feels. It was easier to be angry with my dad but with my mom I always felt so guilty feeling angry towards her.
You're so right though, it's no good at all for parents to manipulate their kids like that.
Take care and have a good night.
Thanks for the visit to my journal, I put you on my friends list. :)

I got deep into the waves of this poem, it is how i myself learn, for i say if it can happen to someone else it can happen to me, thanks for sharing this

Hi hon,
I know how you must feel. With everything going on and there really isn't anything that anyone can do to resolve it. The sad thing is is that she isn't just hurting herself. She is hurting her children too and can't see it. I hope that she will get out of that relationship. *hugs*
Take care,
Aidan

Hey Devious, being lonely is a terrible feeling. That may be a reason why you mom chooses to stay with him? Low self-esteem maybe another reason why. She may feel she wont ever find someone else. There could be a lot of reasons why. I'm sure her intentions are far from hurting her children though. She seems to be in denial.The only thing that can resolve this.. is her seeking help.. and her willingness to do so. I understand... how hard it may be to watch your mom go through all that. I'm sorry. Don't give up.. don't let it become too late!

Defend and fight for those you love, even if they are stubborn! One day they will realize they were wrong, will appreciate and love you for what you did for them.

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Sunday the 5th of November 2006 @ 8:50 PM (660 days, 20h, 54min ago)