Ok starting back from last Saturday.... it's looong so bare with me....

I was feeling really gross that morning! very nauseous and tired but Michael had taken the next 3 days off so we could go and visit family in ca,he worked that saturday and I was trying to get things packed and ready so we could go however I was literally dragging ass! Rene helped me pack most of the stuff.I really didn't want to go because I was worried about being sick plus if I don't feel good the only place I honestly want to be is home! But Rene was looking forward to seing my mother and my brothers and sister and I kind of was too,well not looking forward to see my mother but my brothers and my sister yes.Mike had been looking forward to visiting his other children as well ages 14,13 and 9,(2 boys and 1 girl). Anyhoo's 4:30 pm arrives and Mike gets home,we put everything in the car and head off. Now before I felt sick I had been looking forward to this trip for the past week!And now that I wasn't feeling well I was so dreading it.I didn't want to be ill in someone elses home! I really tried to enjoy the ride,but off and on i'd feel yucky.For most of the drive I felt optimistic like "maybe I'll be ok afterall" then it would just hit me again. I hadn't really ate much all day because I wasn't too hungry.Just drank water and even that made me feel gross. Surprisingly the 5 hour drive went by fast.Damien and Jasmine slept most of the way there,Rene looked outside the window for awhile then fell asleep as well. I was trying to be excited as I usually am,with looking at the stars and all the beautiful lights and scenery but I just couldn't get my mind of my damn stomache.We stopped for something to eat at Jack-In-The-Box,I ate maybe a couple of fries and felt like I ate a huge meal! That just is so not like me so I knew I really was not feeling well. Afterwards we got back on the raod and 20 minutes later we arrived at Michaels Parent's house. I perked up a little bit. not feeling quite as yucky, just tired. we said our hello's and Jasmine of course started screaming her head off as she normally does when we visit. Damien however was loving the attention! Jasmine just sat by me the whole time not wanting to associate with grandma or cousins or anyone. We talked about our trip and funny things Jasmine does and How big or little I should say Damien was when he was born and as usual I hear well mikes kids were 10, 9 and 8 lbs. I'm thinking ok cool. 2 of mikes kids were there but the oldest one wasn't so he called to their  house and spoke with him and I guess he must've given Mike attitude because they hung up shortly. Mike asks his mom about it who says " He didn't want to come because of this one" and points to Damien I'm sitting there like wtf? she continues" He doesn't like the fact of you being with her and din't like the fact that you had Jasmine and now you have this one " Ok as if I didn't already feel uncomfortable and sick! Now it's just really awkward and I feel as dumb as ever. Maybe I shouldn't have felt bad but I did. I don't try to make his kids feel uncomfortable and alwasy make sure to tell mike to spend quality time with them alone when we are there without me. So I'll go to my moms even though I'd rather be with mike just because I don't want them to feel as though I am in the way. After that I just knew the weekend wouldn't be that great. I didn't bring my son or daughter into this world to make anyone unhappy and I certainly don't care wether they accept him or not but it didn't feel right to me that it was ok with babygirl but yet its not ok now that baby boy is here. you can't accept one and not the other! So the next morning I get up, shower get Jasmine and Damien dressed and just wanted to disappear,I hadn't gotten much sleep because I kept going over things in my head and I still felt sick. Rene was up and ready,we were going to go to my mothers house who doesn't even live there anymore,my brothers and sister are the only ones there while my mother lives across the street with her "boyfriend" or "friend as she calls him. But she was supposed to go over so she could see me and the kids.which I honestly wasn't up to seeing how stressed out she is from being beaten and just giving up on herself. My mind was completely gone,I felt like such a zombie.Mike kept asking me what was wrong and then I'd feel bad because I didn't want to seem like I was being irrational about things so I just said I wasn't feeling well which was only partly true,but honestly I felt hurt about alot of things. His mom took the baby outside and when she came back in she's like "where'd you get this Irish baby from?" I just look at her. "he has red hair " she says now I'm thinking o my GOD! " I have red hair" I tell her. she looks over me trying to see if it's true or something so I go on to say "when I was younger I had a lot of golden and red streaks in my hair naturally I dye my hair now so it's dark brown but in all my baby pictures and up until i started dying my hair it has alot of red in it. you can even still see it in the sun today, I've had trouble minimizing the red in my hair and when I try to highlight it it's more orange than anything" Now being hispanic, I look mostly white when I don't dye my hair so alot of people feel that I'm trying to be "white" or something because I don't know spanish I can't speak it i understand it a little but not much and the red and gold tones to my hair make people think I dye it that way when in fact I dye it dark brown. So his mother just gave a little laugh and was like "oh" They just gave me little crap about the baby like oh he's so small the other kids this and the other kids that. or they'll make it a point to bring up Mikes ex more than necessary,so I often don't feel welcome but mike thinks I'm just being silly. Mike really wanted to go fishing and it wasn't that I didn't I just didn't want to go with his family I'd rather listen to my mother about how much she thinks we look alike than to have to be where I don't feel really welcome.They do it enough to where Mike doesn't notice but it's very obvious to me. Anyhoo's I went anyways because I honestly wanted to go with Mike and Rene hadn' been fishing since we moved so I thought it would be nice. We get to Mendota and park onn this bridge and set everything up and it was actually going really nice! Rene was baiting his own hook and it was a nice day really breezy but warm,the family was talking and I was enjoying myself until...My stupid ass cricket peice of sh of a phone rings,now mind you that dumb ass phone didn't work outside of my area where I live for NOTHING!! and it had seemed to be completely out of service and now it was ringing what the hell?? And I truly wish it hadn't. I ansewr the phone "Hello" "Mija" sniffing and crying "I won't be able to see you today ok " it was my mother (oh dear God what now???? I'm thinking) "Something went down really bad,there's a problem a big problem" she says crying "WHAT?" "what happened?" "tell me" I pleaded, not really wanting to know because all that crossed my mind was he beat her or something worse. "Your brothers and I got into it really bad" now my brothers are 18 years old,17 years old and my sister is only 14 years old.and she swears they try to control her mainly because they want her home. SO Supposedly they wouldn't let her bring a dresser to her house which she doesn't even live at anymore remember she lives with her "friend " who beats her and makes her leave when he wants to have sex with his ex or some 17 year old girl and then she goes right back on up after he's done. I can't express the anger and hatred that I have for her right now. SHe had gotten me all worried and sick over a dresser?! My heart was pounding and I felt so anxious,she does this all the time I should had known. She goes on to say how badly they make her feel, what about your boyfriend I tell her he does worse and you forgive him, she just went on this complete pitty thing poor me i had a bad childhood it's all my fault, i get beat, this is just how my life is,I hate when she talks like this it hurts. Why did she even have us if we were more a burden than anything. She wanted us so she would never be alone and now she has abandoned us. Now it isn't that I don't care about her or what she has gone through but I have tried desperately tried to help her,I let her move in with me when I was barely 20 to get out of an abusive relationship which she went back to,I have been her confidante, I endured her pain along with her since I was 6 years old nad she never does anything for herself but cry and say this is how it will always be,she just gives up where as me I fight even HARDER! And The reason for that is so I don't turn out like her.accepting pain and hardships,it is time to overcome!Not Lie there and die.I wish I could fight her battles for her but I can't and it hurts me so bad to see my brother have to take care of the house and our younger brother and sister all while trying to grow up himself.I did it and I jknow how hard it is to watch your mother deteriorate and not care about anyone but the man in her life.She will literally make herself sick over trying to please a man and I just can't watch it anymore.She always calls me crying about it knowing I can't fix it.I offer her advice and even tell her exactly what to do but she refuses saying she can't do that.as was the case in this phone call.She was crying saying she hates herself and doesn't want to live anymore "please get help mom" i tell her " I don't like to hear you sounding so desperate" "i can't" she says "why?" "because it's too late "it's never too late"  i say "don't you realize that man doesn't need you your children need you, we are always here for you we love you" "I don't love myself i hate myself and wish I were dead" I'm holding back tears because they are tears I have cried for her many times before,she's slipping away Menatlly and physically and I can't help her.How badly I want to but I cant. After about 30 inutes trying to calm her down and convince her to see someone almost as  fast as her tears started they stopped and she was now angry saying she wouldn't allow my brother to do this and he would be sorry. Then her phone cut out and I can't call her back because my phone won't work outside my area so I wait for her to call back and no luck,but she had left a message saying she was fine. I wish she could see her disorders from an outside view I know she is atleast bi polar and has lots of relationship and trusting issues that she needs to get resolved however how do I make her understand that without her thinking we are all out to get her.ANyways I sat there trying not to worry and just enjoy the rest of the day all the while thinking how selfish she is knowing how badly Rene wants to see her how can she put her feelings over his and not be there when he was expecting her? I was hurt but I put it away to deal with it later. Jasmine and I listened to the radio in the care while I was feeding Damien and we were rocking out lol until the song "Because of you" by Kelly Clarkson came on I swear that song is exactly my life! The tears were burning and my heart was hurting so I changed it and put it out of my mind once again determined not to let anyone ruin the rest of my weekend! Around 6 o clock we were ready to go. we packed up the fishing equipment and headed off Mike asked if I still wanted to go to my mothers and I said yes knowing she woyldn't be there actually put me at ease because I could spend time with my siblings without her. So he dropped the kids and I off at the house and I was greeted by my brother and his girlfriend who fixed up my mothers house beautifully! They have done such a good job. I was happy to see them. My sister and other brother were there as well and we sat in ther room talking for a bit till there dad came by,it was nice to see him also Jasmine cried for a bit as she did with Mike's family but soon was off running around. My Stepdad took Rene and my brother and sister out to eat and stayed behind with my brother his girlfriend and my little ones we talked for a while and then discussed my mother and some of the problems they've been having we came to the conclusion she would have to help herself and let it go. My stepdad then returned with the kids and we sat talking for a bit and brfore you know it it was already 1100 pm so I called Mike to come get me and funny as soon as he did I felt sick! when we got to his moms house I felt drained my stomache turned I felt Out of place and dizzy I just put it aside and said I need to get some sleep. I was exausted Jasmine fell asleep faiely fast and Mike's mom took Damien in the room with her which was really nice! I think I really needed a break from waking during the night.At first it felt a little weird to be without my baby but I soon fell asleep only to awake sometime during the night because of my stomache,I just forced it out of my head and said please Lord if I'm gonna puke help me because I feel sooo crappy I just want it to end.I fell back to sleep and awoke the next morning which is Halloween feeling somewhat alright I wasn't dizzy anymore oh and I hadn't heard that much about bird flu and I kept thinking what if that's what I got?! I was soooo woried lol. Anyhoo's I told Mike to drop me off at my mom's so I could spend the whole day with my "other kids" my brothers and sisters. Oh he had seen his other son by the way,I guess after I went to my mother's the night before his son had went over to see mike.So I figured I would just stay gone so that they could spend time together. Anyway Mike dropped me off right when we pull up who do we see? my "mother" in a short skirt and halter top as usual. She comes up and gives us a hug and helps me take my things inside.Mike left to go to his incles and I told him I'd call when I was ready for him to pick us up. it was nice to see my mom only because i hadnt seen her in so long but i was upset with her.she didn't look to well and it just made me feel bad. We didn't talk about much 15 minutes had passed and she was already going with Rene to the store. She bought him a costume and herself some beer. She was telling me about all the meds she had to take but I had no idea until she pulled out 5 bags full of meds!! some were for allergies her doctor had even prescibed her some prenatal vitamins,iron,calcium and vitamin c. She has to take meds for a cyst she has as well which is why i told her it was even more cucial for her to take care of herself. everything was fine till she brought out some pants because i had spilled some milk on the ones i was wearing.I turn around she comes out of the bathroom and she's wearing MY PANTS!! oh my gosh. I was like what the hell are you doing? I like them she says i want them like a 15 year old. she kept whining about them and saying i like these.now mind you i have 2 little ones i have to buy everything for and i don't get to go clothes shopping i probably litearlly only have like 3 pairs of nice pants lol. they were lowrise jeans the kind she swears she hates but is pouting like a 9 year old about wanting them.it was funny at first but then it wsa just damn near annoying. i told her i didn't want to give them to her and they were the only pair i had and i felt stupid for arguing with my mom about my jeans.I mean hello why am i fighting with my mother to give me back my pants lol. she was yelling outside to my brothers your sister wont let me have her jeans seriously pouting. I just felt dumb and didn't know what to say so i said " you know what keep them" "if it means that much to you  keep them" "it does she says whining and laughing" I like taking things from you it makes me happy when i can take something from you" " yea i ve noticed!" i told her "you've been like that since i was little as long as it was something or someone you knew i loved you were'ent happy until you took it from me." i said. and she must have thought i was joking because she said "that's right" all smiles which just infuriated me because thats exactly what she's done all my life take everything and everyone from me so I'd only have her and then she'd leave me behind as well keeping me needing her. I walked in the house and sat on the couch with Damien,and my brother came and sat next to me and was like why is she acting stupid? who cares i said ,then she comes inside and says well i gotta go still wearing my pants alright i said not looking at her. and she says again ok im leaving bye i said. and i wasn't mad about the pants i mean who cares its the simple fact that you only want it because it's your daughters and she said she liked taking things from me and she was just completely acting crazy. i didn't know what to do or how to act about that. Ok mija i'm leaving "o k mom see you." i say and she starts crying "ok i'm a bad mom i'll see you later she says" "what the hell are you talking about ?" i asked her. and she just goes on to say we don't love her because she's a horrible mother and i was like that isn't it look at how you treat us and yourself you have no respect.then her boyfriend calls her and starts yelling at her cause i could hear him on the phone and what does she do?? "ok ok I;m coming my daughters here and ok ok no i'll be there reight now i'm sorry" "wht the f*** I tell her, you see what i mean there you go running,"i gotta go she says" oh no you don't it's your decision" "how dare you say you do not choose men over your children and there you go had it have been my sister or brother wanting you home you would have said too bad,but he yells and there you go. "i know" she says crying."why do you do this to yourself?why do you think you need a man in order to be happy? i ask her again i don't know is all she says "how can you allow him to treat you like this and hit you? i have lived like this all my life she says this is just the way my life is. i was angry and tears started coming down my face "you don't know what this does to us it isn't just your life you brought us into this world and all we've ever had was to take care of you you are destroying us our family how can you do this don't you see your not just hurting yourself?!!" she hugs me and says i know baby i'm sorry and the tears are really flowing now "you didn't talk to me for 3 months because yousaid you didn't kick me out at 15 when in fact you had and you choose men over us and here you are running back to him again her phone rings and it's him again yelling" i have his key she tells me i need to go." so give it to him and come home to your kids i tell her its your decision but if you don't i'll know where we stand. she says ok but never came back to the house.which is fine because i don't live there but my brother and my 14 year old sister need her. she called later to say she undertsood what i was saying and that it was her decision but she didn't know what to do and i said you its not what you cant do it's what you wont do and hung up. it was now 6:00pm and we started getting the kids ready to go trick or treating. my brother was i think #9 from Slipknot everyone loved his costume it was bad!! his friend was the clown from slpiknot,they looked hella creepy.My sister didn't have a costume so she just put on a slipknot shirt and lots of make up and i did the same Rene was a grim reaper and Jasmine was the cutest kitty I've ever seen lol. my other brother did the same as my sister and i so we all had on slipknot and tons of make up lol. We went in my brothers car and drove to the richer sides of town.there were some really nice houses out there! So anyhoos we would walk a block and drive to the next one Now Jasmine at first was a little scared she didn't know what was going on lol but once she seen the candy she was like "oh yea i can do this" so she would walk right up to the door and open her bag and watch as they put candy in her bag and if it wasnt what she wanted she'd try to grab her own lol. A couple of the houses let her pick what she wanted and she'd look at the candy pick one up and put it back if it wasn't the one she wanted then put the one she did want in her bag lol it was sooo cute!! AFter about 2 hours we went back to my "brothers house" and I decided to spend the night since i wont get to see them for probably the next 6 or 7 months. SO I called mike and told him to pick me up in the morning. We stayed up till about maybe 12 in the morning my sister fell asleep at about 1130 pm though and my brother had to rest up for work the next day so him and his girlfriend went to sleep early and me my other brother and the kids stayed up watching War Of The Worlds. I think we all fell asleep during it though. The next morning my brother was up for school hella early 600 am my sister however slept in too late so she stayed home. i still was feeling yucky but could kinda feel it was passing. at around 11 am Mike called me to be ready to leave and 30 minutes later came and got us. I was sad to leave my brothers and sisters but made sure to let them know no matter how far i am i am always here for them. after all we are all we've got in this world. i love them soo much and hope the can live a much better life and a lot easier than i have. i think of them as my own kids after all i did raise them for a long time.we said our goodbyes and were on our way. before leaving we went back to Mike's moms and we all went to babies r us to get Jasmine some shoes and Damien some socks. From there we departed ways and Mike's mom says she's going to try to come visit us for Thanksgiving.Now I probably could have had a much better time had I not of felt so crappy and how ironic i didn't start to feel much relief till we were leaving and I always look forward to visiting.Oh well perhaps next time will be much better!! Oh my gosh by the time we got home i was exausted more like pooped lol.and it felt so good to be home wedsnday i started reading a new book i got at the library called Women Who Think Too Much by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema its about how to break free of overthinking and reclaim your life now i'm a HUGE overthinker and this book is amazing!! i'm starting to see alot of things i never thought before,and all the little things that add up to over thinking. it's a great book!!

Holy girl! Sounds like you need a vacation from that vacation!

Here are some s for you and if you want, I'll get you some new pants (just keep them away from your mom... damn!?? wtf was up with THAT??)! And your in-laws need to be put in check... I'm sorry girl, but you need to tell your man how it's making you feel, and it's not over-reacting... if it's how you feel, it's how you feel... you can't help it, and he needs to stand by you and stick up for you and say that if that behavior continues, you'll just not be visiting as much, if at all. My husband had to do the same thing in our first few months of marriage and I tell you it was HELL, but it's over and definitely much better now.

Be strong, chica!

~ C

Oh lord. You really do need a vacation from your vacation. I feel so bad for you and the kids. Mike's oldest seems like a real little ! All of the kids belong together as they are all siblings. For his Mother to allow that sort of behavior is rediculous. I would never allow my son to act that way over his biological father's other children if I could ever get them together.
I must say that you are a better person than I am to still be dealing with your Mother. I can see why you would be stressed out and sick on that vacation for every reason.
Take care,
Aidan

OH MY! Wow! That was quite a story. You poor thing, you sound like you need a rest. Bless your heart. If you need me you know where I am! :-)

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